Patient Friend Care

[ellenkushner]

Know someone who's in the hospital or going through a long illness? We all want to help, but we often feel like helpless dorks when faced with such trauma. I'm impressed with vylar_kaftan's suggestions here.

Do you have any others to add?

Comments

[deire.livejournal.com]

Those are good gift suggestions. Things to do might include willingness to run errands. Groceries, for instance, become a huge deal when you just don't have the energy to be hungry, let alone get food. Another thing would be just keeping someone company during waiting for tests and such--even if the test is no big deal in terms of discomfort, it's stress. A lot of hospitals have late hours for outpatients tests, so it can still be an option for working friends. You can get through them alone. But it's lonely and hard to do so.

[fatfred.livejournal.com]

Commitment.
For long term treatments it's fine to get through the first month or so, but having friends who send cards or books, or even just remember to call and ask how you are doing and LISTEN in the 3rd or 5th month are priceless.
Everyone jumps in when they first hear, but friends who stay the course are priceless.

[rarelylynne.livejournal.com]

Ask what they would like. And then follow through.

Sometimes it's the little household things like emptying and re-filling the dishwasher. Our daughter was in the hospital for an extended stay; we will always be deeply grateful to our friends who took our house key, did all of our laundry, and fed our cats. That meant way more to us than sending flowers.

[wyvernfriend.livejournal.com]

All good suggestions I've added a few of my own. Been there, seen that, done that.

Check with the hospital before you send flowers, if someone's immune-compromised

[dakiwiboid.livejournal.com]

If someone's just had a transplant, for instance, flowers aren't a safe gift.

Re: Check with the hospital before you send flowers, if someone's immune-compromised

[feuervogel]

Cut flowers are *usually* OK, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Potted plants often have contaminants in the dirt that can cause infection in a person without an immune system (eg, getting chemo or radiation, or a transplant.)

[vylar-kaftan.livejournal.com]

Wild_irises pointed me here. Your compliment made me smile! Thank you.

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Delighted! You've inspired more really great advice here, which I hope will inspire a lot of useful happiness in the world.

[stormcloude]

Thank you for this link and the suggestions. I am sad that I will probably be needing them this summer, but grateful to have them.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I absolutely second the mini-craft idea. When I was Mad, I found counted cross stitch wonderfully soothing after a smart friend gave me a kit. And one that works for a close friend is, if the hospital allows it, visits from animals -- do you have the Pets As Therapy scheme in the US? Visits from PAT dogs really cheered her up as she could cuddle them, take them for short walks and enjoy their company.
Oh, and a male friend who was stuck in hospital with a broken leg was always delighted to see fresh salads. he found that he really missed crunchy green things and the hospital tended not to offer them (but this, of course, is good only for those not on special diets.) He liked 'bed picnics' too.

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. Yeah. That sort of thing is really hard for the person going through it. I'm bad at this, but I will throw ideas at the wall.

I second the idea of a NetFlix subscription. That's fabulous.

Spend time with them. Also, write. Email is good, but paper letters are better. Everyone loves getting mail.

Hopefully she has an mp3 player, and if she doesn't, she needs one ASAP. Music is incredibly important. Something for her peer-type-friends to think about is making her mix cds, yes, or donating music files.

Audiobooks: wonderful stuff, if she likes to read. And even if she doesn't, I've yet to meet the person who doesn't appreciate a bedtime story. I recommend The Last Unicorn. Much love. Sometimes having someone come over to read to you is too much, but if the technology is there, friends could take turns recording read-aloud chapters or short stories for her. Or doing it on the phone.

Movies on DVD are great, obviously. TV shows on DVD are fantastic. Introduce her to new things.

If she is in any way artistic, stuff that facilitates that is a great idea. Mom went through loads of sketchbooks when she was ill. Also, lots of pens, and lots of colored pens, and lots of markers, and lots of colored pencils.

Collage is great fun, too, and it's cheap and easy, and all you really need is a lap table, scissors, cardboard, and rubber cement. And a bunch of magazines, and a box to put clippings in.

The gift of a good, sturdy journal/sketchbook is not to be overlooked. I favor stuff that's big and hardcovered and not too pretty -- like the black ones they sell at Borders -- that way I have no anxiety about actually writing in it. And I can always decorate the covers myself. Journaling, even if it's not something youv'e done before, can get you through a rough time.

Origami is SO fun, if you don't let yourself get too infuriated! *lol*

If there are family friends or her friends available who do arty stuff that can be transported, bringing them over once in a while can be great. Someone who does beaded jewelry can bring over some stuff, for example, and they can make a necklace or two. That sort of thing provides human contact and shiny therapy. MAKING things is so satisfying. Bracelets for friends to wear so she can always be with them are not a bad idea. I've done that.

Stationery. Writing letters is fun. And there's all kinds of fun paper to write on. Check scrapbook aisles at craft stores.

Nice PJs. Several sets. Lots of comfy shirts. Nice bedclothes, maybe a couple sets that are pretty. Goofy seasona stuff to hang up. (I'm thinking more for Halloween and Christmas, etc.)

This would be harder for people who don't know her well to provide, and the specifics would vary according to what she likes/needs, but stuff like body care stuff, lotion, hair care stuff, etc.

A new towel is one of my favorite things.

A lava lamp. Things are frigging hypnotic.

Doing stuff for others is great for the spirit, but hard to do from bed. Adopting a soldier through a letter-writing program is great for your morale and theirs. There's also programs where you can make cards for sick kids in the hospital, etc. Things like that aren't hard to find online, and if she's at all interested, it can really be uplifting.

Treats for the family pets, and visits to the pets, too. Mom's dog suffered while she was sick in a uniquely sad way.

Time spent with the rest of the family out, away, someplace they feel like they can talk about what they are going through. That is important. Really important.

Stuff like chores -- laundry, dishes, pet maintenance, running an errand or two. Taking out the trash. Yard work. Just doing what needs to be done that they're finding really odious at the time.

"Hi, I'm going to the grocery/pet store/art store/etc. today, before I come over. Can I pick you up anything while I'm there?" Great words to hear. Ask the family, ask the girl. And don't just offer once. Keep offering. My mom refused, like, a LOT before she realized I really meant it and started letting me.

Ask, Perceval, Ask!

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

"And don't just offer once. Keep offering."

Yes!! Yes!!! Some of the best advice you can give. Some people will turn down help several times before they can accept it. They are ill. You are not. You must be strong and brave and pushy. Remember Perceval and the Fisher King.

(All great advice - thanks for posting!)

Re: Ask, Perceval, Ask!

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Exactly. People are conditioned not to behave like "needy" people, even when they are in a time of dire need. I don't think I ever truly realized the extent of that until I had really ill family members to deal with.

Don't make the sick person repeat a request

[michellle.livejournal.com]

Someone I'm close to has been dealing with an awful illness for a number of years. An important part of her self-image is that she's strong, she's independent, she helps *other* people, etc. That makes it VERY difficult for her to ask someone to do something for her. I still occasionally hear about an occasion from before I met her - she was in the hospital, her vision was compromised, and she worked herself up ONCE to let people know that she'd like people to read to her. And it didn't happen, for whatever reasons. She's *still* terribly disappointed about that, and is even less likely to make requests, for fear of feeling let down. One could certainly wish that she would behave differently, but that's up to her. Try very hard to hear the shy requests, the quiet wishes, the awkward queries. You may only get one chance.

And I'll "third" naamah_darling's advice about offering repeatedly, and sometimes even just DOING something without asking (picking up some favorite foods, bringing treats for the pet, washing the dishes, whatever). The less inconvenient for you that you can make it sound, the better. As naamah_darling said, you tell them you're going *anyhow* and it would be no trouble atall to pick up something. It can make it a lot easier to finally say "yes, thank you!"

Re: Don't make the sick person repeat a request

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Oh god oh god, yes, please. Please listen.

I, myself, suffer from that tendency when I am deep in one of my depressive bipolar fugues.

How very, very sad for your loved one. I am so sorry.

Other suggestions

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Being a sick person, one thing I feel guilty about is my wife not getting enough attention. A trip to the coffee shop, walk with them, an outing. It's good for the entire family.

Also in keeping with arts and crafts, albums are a great project. Remember photos, they can be about family, a trip, a pet. Discount artsy stores sell background papers, sissors with different patterns, also little do dads that can make an album special.

A great gift is house cleaning. It is something that can go out the window, but overwhelm the family. It can be expensive, so get a group together and chip in. The gift will be invaluable.

Also, help the people get connected to a grocery delivered web site. Food delivery is an incredible perk, and very helpful.

During hospitalizations, arrange visitors, to read, talk assist getting out the damn room. It's too hard for the family take on all of this alone.

Check in. Being sick has made me very lonely. I used to work, drive, travel, see people. Now I am essentially alone for long periods, it can be extremely lonely. At times, I find myself checking out. Too lonely to reach out.

I had a friend come and play music on the guitar. It was the highlightt of my week.

I don't want to dimish the roll of the family and spouses. But they get overwhelmed to.

I thank you for providing this outlet, to post things I would find invaluable.

Patient Friend Care

[(Anonymous)]

Laurie Marks here. For over ten years I've been the caretaker for my wife, Deb, who is disabled by a rare congenital disease. After a couple of years of terror and exhaustion and twenty or so emergency room visits and hospital admissions, I developed fibromyalgia, which includes bouts of overwhelming fatigue. I have a very time- (and psychic energy-) consuming teaching job, and also am a novelist, so pretty much all I've done for over ten years is work and take care of Deb. Our friends have been extraordinary, and one of the most wonderful things they did was pay for house cleaning for two entire years. And when I was seriously injured and spent 6 weeks hospitalized, people--complete strangers some of them--drove Deb, whose condition makes driving impossible, to the hospital to visit me every day. Some lessons here: 1) When you do something for the sick person, you're also doing something for her spirit-weary and resource-exhausted caretaker. You can enhance this effect by taking the sick person somewhere or by staying with the sick person so the caretaker can have a half day off to do something she otherwise couldn't do. 2) If you have money but not time, you can pay for things that will make a huge difference, and package these as "gifts." (The housecleaning was a Christmas gift from a committee of friends.) 3) When you want to help, assume that the helpees are feeling so trapped and exhausted that they can't even think of how to make things better. So exercise your creativity, imagine what you're good at doing that might make a difference, suggest it, and follow through. One friend takes Deb on excursions every few months, including Christmas shopping trips, going to a tea shop, going out to breakfast, going antiquing, or going to a pretty place and walking about. These excursions are marvelous for both of us--Deb is so lonely that these little outings are priceless to her, and I get some precious time off. 4) Never give a sick person or caretaker well-meaning suggestions that begin with "You should..." or "Have you tried..." Maybe your idea is fabulous, but odds are that she's not only unable to do it, but is so psychically exhausted that she'll hear your suggestion as an implication that she's failing in some way. Unless you're making suggestions in the form of offers to DO whatever it is, keep your bright ideas to yourself.