quote of the day

[ellenkushner]

“There is luxury in self-reproach.
When we blame ourselves,
we feel no one else has a right to blame us.” 

 — Oscar Wilde

  
Ah, Oscar!  Right on the money, as always.  

I do get so cross at some peoples' pre-emptive apologetic strikes, and have been wondering why that sort of apology bothers me so much . . . . I think it is their assumption (however unspoken or unconscious) that I am blaming (and by extension, attacking) them; makes me feel unjustly accused, and somewhat inclined to snap rather than soothe, unless I know them very well.

I must strive to be a Better Person.  And I do. 

But I don't suppose you self-reproachers would consider making it easier on some of us?

Never apologize; never explain!

You'd be surprised.

Comments

[eglantine-br.livejournal.com]

I am a habitual apologist. This gives me something to think about. Oscar is so often right. Glad you posted it.

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for telling me so! I don't want to offend anyone, but I know it is a touchy subject.

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

And I'm quite serious about the "Never apologize...." thing, too - the point being that by apologizing, you are actually *drawing attention* to whatever behavior you're concerned about - whereas at least half the time, nobody has noticed *until* you've apologized.

Trust me on this one; I know.

[beth-bernobich.livejournal.com]

I remember you telling me this at Readercon, a few years ago.

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Beth: Well, at least I'm consistent!

Has it worked for you?

[beth-bernobich.livejournal.com]

I'm getting better at it!

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Maybe Rogers & Hammerstein aren't exactly Oscar Wilde, but I also think of this Happy Tune when I need some backup:

"Whenever I fool the people I fear / I fool myself as well."

Put that in a blender on HIGH with Hamlet's speech to his mother about not going to his uncle's bed:

Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat
Of habits evil, is angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good
He likewise gives a frock or livery,
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence; the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And [either master] the devil, or throw him out
With wondrous potency.

. . . and we're nearly there!

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

Kind of depends on the offense. I was quite pleased when someone I kind of know apologized to me for blowing me off at some occasion even though I didn't notice it at the time. I felt quite happy to know that she actually cared about my emotional state enough to want to make sure that I wasn't offended and that if I was that she felt bad about it.

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

I gotta disagree with this notion. The ability to apologize and admit to wrong doing is something that people are sadly lacking. For all the people in my life who NEVER apologize, or worse give the backhanded apology full of excuses when I call them on their shit (as in "I'm sorry you were offended, but I was going through a lot at the time. I guess you didn't notice that I was having a bad day because my boyfriend was drunk again.") I really don't see why anyone would be offended by an actual genuine apology.

Given the amount of asocial assholes in fandom who make it a point to follow the "never apologize, never explain" (as well as never admit to wrong doing, never back down from a fight, never allow someone else's feelings get in the way of your point, never consider that anyone else has any feelings whatsoever) I must say that this is the WORST piece of advice I have encountered in a long time.

Granted, if you are getting the kind of "pre-emptive apologies" that are also defensive, I can see a point. But a genuine apology that basically says "hey, I just wanted to say that I was wrong when I did...and I just wanted to apologize" is really just a way of making sure that there is still a relationship in place.

On the other hand, the bullshit general apology to everyone before Yom Kippur that says nothing bugs me to no end.

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

No, we're talking about two different things, here. Apologizing to an individual about something you genuinely did that you genuinely know to have been wrong is noble, just and true. I do not disagree with you there one bit.

What I'm objecting to is the pre-emptive, "Oh, I'm so clumsy! Sorry I'm such an idiot! I'm sure I'm talking too long and you must be horribly bored because I'm so stupid and I'm so sorry!" etc etc that some people - and let's be real, it's 98% women - seem not to be able to help.

Have you ever actually heard a generic Yom Kippur apology? I haven't, and I'm curious! My understanding of the practice - which is very difficult in a society where not everyone is expecting it - is that you must engage with each individual you have actually hurt, and not only ask their forgiveness but genuinely receive it.

[nohwhere-man.livejournal.com]

For some unknown reason that reminds of a bit I recently read- on being called to make some remarks to a gathering, "Do not apologize for being no orator; if you are, you do not need to and if you are not, they will soon know it.:

[sararyan.livejournal.com]

YES. I get cross about this too. I think it's because the apologizer is making the situation All About Them, and often seems to be desperately needy for you to immediately and vehemently deny everything they're accusing themselves of. My excellent partner sometimes staves off this behavior by blandly agreeing with the apologizer's self-accusations.

[vgqn.livejournal.com]

This!

I never thought about it this way, but you're right, it's All About Them.

[elswhere1.livejournal.com]

Where do you stand on the disingenuous/diplomatic/white-lie social/professional apology, i.e. "I'm so sorry if I missed your email replying to my request about x; if so, would you mind sending it again, as I really do need to follow up soon?" [when you are 99% sure such email was never sent] ?

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Utterly in favor; I file it under "Social Fiction/Lubricant," as it preserves everyone's comfort & dignity.

The thing I'm objecting to is quite different. It is well-expressed in this quote a friend just sent me from a book by a social anthropologist (WATCHING THE ENGLISH), referring to:

". . . ritual self-abasements as a disingenuous attempt to deflect criticism by pre-emptive confession of their failings--like the selfish and neglectful lover who says 'Oh, I'm so selfish and neglectful, I don't know why you put up with me,' relying on our belief that such awareness and candid acknowledgement of a fault is almost as virutous as not having it."

See? Quite different.

Apolgies

[isabelswift.livejournal.com]

If something makes you feel uncomfortable, there's a reason. It may not be the one you're assuming (you may have personal sensitivities) but if listening to this type of apology is causing discomfort, there's something there. Actual apologies are totally different from this preemptive breast beating, and most can hear and feel the difference.

Oscar is totally correct, but he only presents one element of the self-focus of preemptive apology. For not only do we think it should prevent others from blaming us (how could they be so cruel as to note something we have so bravely publicly admitted?) but it also eliminates the need to actually FIX anything. We've gotten so cheerful about agreeing that "acknowledging a problem is half the battle" we forget that it's only HALF the battle. there's more to do before we rest on our laurels.

Also included in this basket of apologetic variables, there's an often female trending habit of constant apology as a self protective device noted by some commenters. It is used as an ingratiating tool (Sorry, I'm not really a public speaker), and/or not setting one's self above others (Sorry, I'm no expert). And in most cases, we need to channel our inner guy and stand up for ourselves, our opinions, our beliefs with clarity and conviction--and take what criticism may be offered...like a man.

[literaticat.livejournal.com]

ahhh I get this in the query pile EVERY DAY.

"I'm sorry I'm not a professional writer..."

"I'm no good at this querying stuff!"

"This is nothing much..."

etc.

ARGH.

If it sucks so bad, why are you wasting my time? And if you are just saying that but you secretly think it is awesome... why are you lying?

I wrote an irritated post on the subject some months ago: http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/06/selling-yourself-and-selling-yourself.html

False Apologies in Retail

[em-nat.livejournal.com]

I work in a retail store and a large part of my job includes apologizing for things I'm not at all sorry for. I don't like apologizing for things I'm not actually sorry for, especially if that list of things includes what other people did or did not do, things I personally have no control over, and someone else's misunderstanding of information. Logically, these customers must know that None of Us are Actually Sorry. Everyone knows the apology is false but they generally accept it and it makes them feel better. We'd file this one under "Social Fiction", right? Let's all play make-believe!

Re: False Apologies in Retail

[ellen-kushner.livejournal.com]

Oh, professional apologizing is something else again! I wouldn't worry about that. Everyone knows it isn't personal.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

About not explaining:

"Remember that in giving any reason at all for refusing, you lay some foundation for a future request."

~ Arthur Helps, Essays Written in Intervals of Business, 1841